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Dreamland Paramedics…

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So there I was, on shift and driving around in what we call our Interceptor vehicle. It’s a marked SUV outfitted with lights and sirens that carries a full compliment of ALS gear. We use it to quick-respond to 911 calls in our own jurisdiction and to intercept BLS ambulances with a single paramedic. It’s a cool ride and I was driving it around what looked like our town when a very cool lightening storm rolled in. Then a blizzard started up, and then it was sunny when I pulled into a parking lot of… a building I didn’t recognize. I think it was another ambulance station whose members were working on a male patient who was lying unresponsive in front of their front door… I parked, got out, and walked up to them. Their uniforms were white shirts, badges, with navy-style epaulets on their shoulders. They looked nice.

This alien ambulance crew said they had the situation under control, and even though I thought this was odd… since I was in our 911 territory, I didn’t argue… I did, however go in the building to find their commanding officer, whom they had said was inside. Turns out, their ambulance station was this awesome night club complete with a stage, people dancing, and a good-looking crowd. I found the ambulance manager at the bar and asked him what was going on… He started to run away but motioned for me to follow. I ran after him, chasing him around the building, which turned out to be a huge place containing staircases, long hallways, and some epic leaps across chasms. There was even a part where we ran up a wall, Spider-Man style, where I had to grab on to steel cables and slide down them to get back to the floor. If I were really asked, I’d say the building looked… um… kind of like the Baltimore Convention Center where they hold EMS Today. I never caught up to the guy… in fact, I never went back to my vehicle because it turned out that I was actually in my old high school, I found some old friends I hadn’t seen in a while and we threw a party. We had a great time with lots of catching up, back-slappin’, laughing, and carrying-on. Then… and this is awesome, a bunch of people, a veritable parade of people I have had disagreements with over the years came walking in the room and I told them off quite eloquently. They all agreed they were wrong quite readily and invited a team of British Rugby players into the party who brought a keg of this really good beer. I had two or three glasses of the stuff. After that, I walked out of my high school and all the way to my childhood home where I could see my first cat, Katchoo, through the window as I was walking up the driveway.

And then… Doooooooo Doooooooo… this loud noise broke in to my dream from somewhere… I recognized it as a call and thought to myself… “I can’t go on a call! I’ve been drinking! Good thing I’m off-duty”.

But of course, I wasn’t off-duty. I was at work, and I woke up in my bunk-room to our dispatcher squawking about some lady somewhere with some pain in her belly. I stumbled to my clothing, still not fully realizing that I had been dreaming a minute before I was so rudely ripped from my slumber, and got dressed to groggily stumble out into the early-morning light.

I suppose at this point I should explain that this was a dream I was having while sleeping on-duty from about 2 through 3am this very shift. The dream colored the whole call for me. I must have been sleeping very soundly because while I’ve only gotten like 3 hours of sleep this shift, I feel fully rested and am writing this post at 0530 rather than attempting a triumphant return to my snug, warm bunk. I love having dreams like that… when I’m home in my own bed without the possibility of the radio waking me up. Dreams like that when I’m working tend to bleed into my reality when I’ve been ripped away from them to respond to a call. Sometimes like today, it’s no big deal other than the momentary thought that I’d made a HUGE error and quaffed some ETOH while on-duty (which I never have and never will). Other times, like when you’re having a nightmare about the Zombie Apocalypse and you get called to work a code in the middle of your epic chainsaw-intensive last-stand, the waking-from-dream thing can be detrimental. Ever had a dream about being attacked by zombie clowns and then wake up to work a code in a circus-tent? Neither have I… but it could happen.

Is this an interesting EMS post? No, not hardly. But for those of us that work our rotating 24 hour shifts and live, eat, sleep, and spend generally more than a third of our lives at work, it’s just one of the myriad things we find out about what this shift pattern and this job do to a person. Is it an occupational… hazard? I don’t know. I do know that it’s one of those odd things about working EMS that you’ll rarely find in other professions. I mean, how many times has your local hedge-fund manager had to wake up to manage some hedges and/or funds in the middle of dreaming about whatever it is they dream about?

I’d love to hear some of your stories on the same thing. I’m sure they’re out there.

Oh, and good morning everyone!

Wheel of the Regulars: Turn Turn Turn

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“Howdy April! “

“Hi Chris”

“I gotta ask ya… How did I look in my underwear tonight? I wore a special pair just for you”

“Um… What?? What do you mean?”

“Well, you always seem to call me to come over here just after I’ve gotten into bed and right as I’m going to sleep. I figured you probably have a camera in my bunk room at the station or something”

“Uhhhh…”

“I wore the pink ones. They’re special. Just for you.”

This conversation pretty much actually happened the other night. No, her name wasn’t “April” (because I’ve changed the name) and I wasn’t actually wearing pink underoos (they were purple) but the sentiment was there just the same. Even in my relatively small jurisdiction we have our share of “frequent fliers”, the regular patients who call 911 all the time and seem to make up an extremely disproportionate number of our annual calls for service. They’re our regulars. We know their addresses by heart and cringe every time we hear them come over the radio. Sometimes the regulars are sweet people, nice folks in every way who call us for legitimate reasons… other times; they’re not.

Regardless, the regulars are fixtures at every single EMS station I’ve ever been to. Every service has their share and every service knows them by heart. We get to know them, and they get to know the crews as well as drug seekers get to know the local ER docs. Sometimes they even get to know our shift schedules and only call on days where they like the EMTs that are working. Sometimes they just don’t care and call when they’re lonely, or when their scalp is itchy, or when their feet are dry, or when they’re sure the kid down the hall is up to no good and they know the cops will come when they call for an ambulance… etcetera.

Sure, I could be a good little EMS blogger and give you a bunch of useful strategies on how to positively affect the lives of these patients and offer them resources on how to more constructively manage their healthcare/loneliness/insanity needs… but not tonight. Tonight is the second night of an unscheduled 48hr shift and I know… I JUST KNOW that the camera in my bunk room is very much functional and someone is going to see my polka-dot underwear and call for me just as my head hits the pillow.

So tonight I’m going to tell you about my new idea for a game we can start to play here at the unnamed ambulance service where I work.

I call it, the “Wheel of the Regulars”

I plan on making a “Wheel of Fortune” style game board complete with a rotating wheel made out of plywood. I will put a spinner on it and divide it up into sections. In each section, I plan on putting the initials of our most prolific EMS regulars… the ones who we are almost guaranteed to see multiple times in one week. I’ll make it so that the wheel can be spun manually, and will eventually stop with an indicator showing the initials of one of the regulars.

Each morning at Start of Shift, I plan to have each crew-member take a turn spinning the wheel. That will be their bet for the day… if the regular whose initials they have randomly chosen through their spin calls 911 during the shift, they will win a prize. Their bets can be hedged by the EMT estimating the time the patient will call down to the minute, and the employee who gets closest to the time the regular patient actually calls will win an additional prize. I have a feeling that we can get a pretty good pool going with this and that it will be loads more fun than the run-of-the-mill sports pools that go around this place. I figure that if the game gets big I can make a lucrative side business selling the game board and the system for playing the game.

Maybe I ought to sell this idea to the people who brought out the EMS Monopoly game?

Nobody has found a really effective way to deal with regular EMS callers yet (Could I call them “Prolific Patrons”?) because the problem is as multifaceted as it is expansive. Sure, there are tools out there for our use, but none of them are very effective.

And until we find a way to fix the problem, we might as well have some fun with it. I even tried to come up with a song to sing while the wheel was spinning, but all I could think of was this:

 

Have a good night, everyone!

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