4/1/2013 – Rhinelander, WI
Calling the county-based ambulance service “A bunch of dumb, know-it-all ‘paragods” Ernie Slater, a local volunteer Basic Level Emergency Medical Technician (EMT-B) dismissed calling for an Advanced Life Support (ALS) paramedic intercept for his patient with chest pain earlier this morning.
“Those dumb paramedics think they know everything” said Mr. Slater, hitching up his belt which in addition to holding up his EMS pants, also held a wide-array of pagers, radios, and EMS tools neatly arranged in holsters. “We show up and we can take people to the hospital. I mean, what more do they really need?”
Mr. Slater, who refers to Lifestar EMS, the county based paramedic service, as “Death Star” recently graduated from his EMT-Basic class at the local community college. He credits his vast amount of medical knowledge to the fact that he took the class three times before he passed it and had a lot of time to learn the information presented to him by the instructors, of whom he added “Were a bunch of idiots who didn’t know nothing.”
“We’ve got high-flow oxygen and can give nitro pills to anyone who needs em” He declared proudly, giving the patient their fifth pill since he assumed their care. Our service says we give them till the chest pain goes away and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m taking this guy to the ER down the street. I mean, what am I going to need those stupid medics for? Nothing.” He added “I got this.”
For his part, the patient, who called 911 this morning after awaking with crushing chest pain added “I can’t really complain about the care I’m getting, but shouldn’t an ambulance guy take the dip out of his mouth before he comes to your house? I’m pretty angry about him spitting tobacco juice on my carpet but how can you get mad at a volunteer?”
Paramedics, who can perform so-called “Advanced” treatments like starting IVs, giving medications, performing airway management techniques, and interpreting EKGs go to school for a significantly longer amount of time than do EMT-Basics. The length of school which Mr. Slater added “was stupid” and “dumb as hell”.
“Why would I want to go to all of that extra school? I mean, I pretty much know everything they do and I see no reason why I can’t do all of the things like them ‘paragods” He opined derisively. “Starting an IV is easy and nothing they do is all that hard.”
At press time, Mr. Slater was planning to spend his evening hours playing video games at home rather than attending his service’s continuing education classes scheduled for tonight.