Patient Friendly Jokes

Guy goes to his doctor's office for a cold, and the doctor, looking very harried, comes into the room and gives him a quick but thorough examination.

Doc tells him, “Sorry, but it's a madhouse around here, what with all the swine flu cases and all. I'm just going to write you a prescription for – “

And the doctor goes to pull the pen from the pocket of his lab coat, only to discover that it's a rectal thermometer.

“Oh great,” he mutters in disgust. “Now some asshole has my pen.”

My Kindergartener's favorite joke:
“What's green and has four legs and would realy hurt you if it fell out of a tree?”
–A pool table

Guy goes into the doctor's office for an ear infection. The loud-first-sergeant-type nurse shuffles him to a cubicle and tells hime to take off ALL clothes and put on the stupid paper examination gown.

Sitting there freezing, he starts grousing out loud about having to sit there naked for a stupid ear infection when he hears a voice from over the top of the wall “Hey–don't feel bad. I just came in here to fix the damn telephones.”

Patty goes in to see the Doctor about some general malaise. After twenty minutes of thorough examinations the Doctor relents, “Patty, I am sorry but I just can't seem to figure out what is wrong you. I think it could be the drink.”

Patty, “Ah don't worry about it Doc, sure I'll come back when you're sober.”

To the patient immobilized with a c-collar: Why do you keep staring at the ceiling?

A banana and a vibrator are sitting on the counter. The banana turns to the vibrator and says “why are you shaking? It's me she's gonna eat!”

Something I say to my patients before unloading them out of the ambulance.

“Sir/Ma'am, please keep your hands on your lap as we pull the stretcher out. This is not AT&T, so please don't reach out and touch someone.”

This one gets used tomorrow!

you really believe this is a clean joke that you can tell to your patients????? Do you find yourself answering to a lot of complaints of service?

Not cool….

Why did the tomato turn red?

He saw the salad dressing.

  Your Duck is Dead–  A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”  The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”  ”Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.  ”How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”  The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.  The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.  The vet looked
at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”  The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, ”$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

This one only works as a spoken joke….

Q:  What do you call a fish with no i’s?
A:  fsh